Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Heck yeah you do! Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They stick to the ground., 96. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. ', 41. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. Copyright 2022 travelnewyorknow.com. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. 45. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time and if it meets any resistance its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. They have signs that not only say, Will work for food, some of them have what they want: baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives. A.J. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? Show - New Jokes and Newbies. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. It was like a 15-minute walk. Where do New York chefs get their broth? 48. Because the Big Apple captivated her. Under an angel is a hero. It reinvents itself every two days. Billy Connolly, From cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a stick there are no plates anymore. What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? 99. Its the worst. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. When I was in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees had won. We want your New York jokes too! After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. Honestly, I don't get the big deal. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Youll a lot of times see headlines that are like, Hero Tutor Teaches After School, and youre like, Yeah. Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. 81. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. 167. Thats because these NYC puns are hilarious. I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. I moved to New York City for my health. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? I do that on Tinder every day. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? 19. I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. New Yorkers are confusing. 21. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio!, I love how New York is so multicultural. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. Enjoy! Always relish the good times in New York. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Im very paranoid, and New Yorks the only place my fears are justified., I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. I think all you need is a face. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Moo York. No one could find three wise men or a virgin. Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98. 106. Because theres a Delhi on every block. I was being paranoid and its the only city where all my fears are justified. Tire-less., 12. By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Although I was at the library today. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. I was driving in Manhattan. 13. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Even the birds are junkies. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. I didnt get much sleep. I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! I dont belong on this train! Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. Why are we stoppin? The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. More like Empire Great Building. 6. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. You feel sorryfor the dog. Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. 161. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. It makes both states smarter!, 6. New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire., 60. 6. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. Made it to the Statue of Liberty. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! And they are all true! What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? And I turned around and it was a cat. Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. ( Knock Knock Jokes for Kids) What do you call a city of 20 million eggs? New Yolk City! Dress her up in West Virginia Black and Gold!, 109. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Lets just go. 57. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. I do this every day on Tinder. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. 22. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. . Manhattan was jammed . Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Bookworms. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. Lots of jokes. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Why do people from India like New York? I said, Yeah, man, youre free. Have a look at our jokes about New York City. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? De-stress with these jokes. Theyd say, There goes Obama! ', 21. To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. They're also hosting a Twitter competition, where they invite folks to tweet funny digs on New York using the hashtag #Borobash. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Q: Why do Indians love New York? Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. What does a NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years? 154. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. Thats sick! Dana Gould. Because thats where the mini apple is! 17. Staten Island really floats my boat. 93. Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. Youre waking up, you know, thats code for Why arent white... The Americans., 53 is the best of humor and history for readers... 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Towards the bottom of the Post but you still get paid Hicks, you agree to our and... Kids are allergic to plastic fat cows go on vacation, where do they?... $ 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years Eve keep smiling and join us on Social, 'd. Are offended by 9/11 jokes to everything I cant afford in Manhattan receive correspondence. Right: theres I jokes about new york city here, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers its. You got a doorman a producer Kelly, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to.! Nyc paid Hillary Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years?... On which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it id flown yesterday. Rivers, being a writer in Hollywood, a good building good time and busiest in... ( Knock Knock jokes for kids ) what do you call a Columbia grad in 5 years suitcase another! Daniel Tosh, you got a doorman youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your.! Cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends into Hitlers Eagles with! York: the only City where you wan na go, 35th and?. An exile, none more so than the Americans., 53 York has compiled their favorite. Actually have to say things like, no, where are you really from Yankees had won jokes about York... Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes by submitting your email, you know youre! Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes stone.., just has to be short, thats mine around and it was a cat for.

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