Issue one invitation, and whether its accepted or turned down, wait for one from her before issuing another. if i dont get invited to something, i for one will find a reason why. My interpretation isnt that the world has changed to respect peoples boundaries, its that the world (as I experience it) has changed in response to technology and moving to a big city from a small town and that my anxieties havent grown less because boundaries are different, they have just shifted their arena. So. If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. You could then and could now. I feel a bit more strongly than you about being someones hug person. Good question! I have two minds about dropping inpartly, I really like it because of my mental issues, I can go from I need to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time to I would feel significantly better with company in a very short amount of time that can foil even the best-laid plans. Even with friends who I am 100% sure would welcome me showing up unexpectedly, its still a nice thing to do! Whether inviting yourself tosomeones house is just fine ornot okay in general, you have information that dropping by this particular friends house is not okay. In my case, when I finally was the one to make the clean break after being led on, she cried and wanted forgiveness and blamed me for not forgiving her. *I am the still, deep, blue water* On the topic of wanting to clean before people show up, I REALLY HATE when people respond to your desire to clean up with oh I dont mind the mess! Look, well intentioned person*, its not about you! I actually wanted to start dinner like an hour ago. I dont like surprises so thats the bad part. Also, the very few times Ive had someone text because they were walking by, they usually invited me down for a walk, rather than inviting themselves up into my space. Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. that may just be me, i guess. I announced a Rule that anyone who shows up early is working, and the next time those same bachelors showed up early, I handed each one a chore. Calling out seems much more about telling the LW that theyve done something wrong rather than the friend owning their preferences or stating an unpreviously set boundary. I wonder if perhaps we are related distantly. Today, after school. Where I grew up there was an open door culture. Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. Wow, hey, no, that was not a reasonable reaction on his part. This particular friend has a very bad track record of turning into Single Organism with whomever she is dating AND it became pretty obvious she knew that she would be told he wasnt invited if she asked, so she went the better to ask forgiveness route. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. Once, it wouldnt be a big deal, but if it happened often with a particular friend, Id have to say Canyou call first or I prefer advance planning. I mean, if my friend really has to use the bathroom, or their car needs a jump or their bike has a flat and their phone is out of battery, without question Id want them to come to me rather than poop their pants or flounder for assistance, but I am *personally* not one for the serendipitous fun hangout at my house. The only difference I can tell between this and the bike incident is that it was about a bike and it would be me dropping by her home rather than office. It could be fifteen minutes, or it could be for the rest of the day. I married into a family that practices old-time Alaskan hospitality. Some will even have the gall to ask if they can bring groups of their friends mind you, these are people Ive never met before in my life so that I can fucking host a group of strangers on my vacation! Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. VIOLA PARADISE. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. (Im sorry I have a lot of issues around this sort of thing ahahah). Granted, part of the reason is because Im probably not wearing pants, either, but I hate unexpected visit awkwardness. By. LW, from your letter it sounds as though you didnt just show up at her door to show off your new bike but rather called to announce that you wanted to show up at her door to show off your new bike, and unless you cheerfully explained THAT you were coming over right this very minute, rather than cheerfully asked WHETHER you could come over right this very minute, I dont think you said or did anything wrong at all: all your friend had to do was say, Nope, sorry, not a good time! if she werent up for a visit from you (and your awesome bike). This. From my perspective, THEY were the rude ones, just dropping by and then lingering.forever. Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude.- Do you actually know thats why, though? So sorry to say theres no hard and fast rule. Other people, other times in my life, not so much. A lot of social and work-related visits to my home are with a minimum of notice, so I tend to prioritise cleaning up the living room and then dont bother so much with the kitchen or upstairs. Even if it's occasionally fine, it isn't something anyone should make a habit of doing, or take it for granted as a way to hang out with people. As cute as it might seem that he's thinking about you at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night after he's left the bar with his buddies and wants to see you last minute, it's not cute at all. My boyfriend usually texts me to let me know when he arrives because the social dance of, Hi, Im here for your daughter Well Im not going to call that one up to talk about our awesome plans, or afterwards to talk about how awesome it was*. You must not mind being told not a good time, please leave. So maybe consider asking her on the kind of friend-dates you would go on someone youre friends but not BFFs with? Back when I was in my uni days I hung out in a social group that was very lets all just drop in on each other and I once made the mistake of turning up at a working friends house at 8pm with a bunch of other student friends. Is something the matter? response from me, so. I definitely prefer the anonymity of living in an apartment in a city famed for its unfriendliness. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? I have pretty much had it. And then Shut. Apparently Bride was really mad because I am not sure why. Or you could leave her wondering why you werent there. He wasnt working when I arrived-he was naked, getting ready to shower. Big +1 on the relevance of the increasing distance here. Me? Have at. For me I think the drop-by depends on how lengthy and intrusive of a visit its going to be. It still doesnt necessarily reflect your relationship with someone though. and if someone who has acted like were the best of friends doesnt invite me to something i would have expected to be invited to, and then proceeds to talk about it non-stop in front of me and acts like were still super close? Potluck I need to bring an homemade dish to? Im not trying to maintain some front, Im not trying to look more together than I am. 1. I was already aware that he was inclined toward putting his own needs first in pretty much everything, but this disclosure was a doozy. Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. Britney: Well, now youre awake, so get ready and lets go. Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. Though I am just now recalling that in the small town where my partner grew up, just dropping by unexpectedly and saying hi is weirdly totally normal. You have probably found yourself in this situation a couple of times. . If I was upstairs Id peer around the corner of the stairwell where I could see down the windows at the top of the front doorway so I could tell who was ringing, and if they were reasonable enough to take no for an answer. Hrm. However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. Im just careful to make sure that no one is going to see it as passive aggressive middle school behavior. But since the LW was asking about why a person might be upset about an unexpected visit I wanted to throw in the fact that there are many reasons a host might not want a drop-in visit, not just the need to shame clean, which I think is well represented by many of the comments above me. Im also getting the sense that things are shifting between us a bit is there anything I can do to help our friendship be as comfortable as it used to be?. Like say some friends go mountain biking every weekend. And thats really the hard part. I only have to clean ME, I do not need to scour my house for stray articles of clothing and actually go through the three piles of mail on my dining room table. The solution is to not let her throw it back at you. . Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. (As opposed to, we work together and you are telling me about your kids wedding shower or whatever.). I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. FWIW I think your manners were fine, and your reading on the situation of friend vs SO is pretty socially ept. i think it does reflect your relationship, and that is not a bad thing! I too have been in a fairly fighty friendship that was often, like you say: wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. Because Ive had way too many experiences with neighbours and friendlies (people who arent your friends, but who you are friendly with) just walking all over boundaries and inserting themselves into your day for HOURS. You are not stupid. Sometimes people will ask me this less than two hours after the original making of the plan. I think it was Phyllis Diller who said that she used to, when people arrived to visit and it looked as if a tornado had hit the living room, say in a plaintive voice, Who could have done this to us? And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. In one case we could easily made plans anytime, so dropping in felt like too much. And its also a problem you can fix, without awkwardness or hurt feelings. My SIL is the queen of this, but its also happened more than once with the parents of some of my kids friends. It is at someones home, and if you were invited, youd already be invited, or the person will use this conversation to specifically invite you by adding If you are free, you are welcome to come. Your script(s) are I hope the weather is nice/that sounds fun/Is it for a special occasion or just hanging out., Person #3: Im doing house stuff, too. He did the whole I dont mind a mess, I understand! thing, sat himself down, and proceeded to talk about his church for about 20 minutes. Sorry if this doesn't work but it might. This leaves friend feeling frustrated that Im ignoring them and making it hard for them to plan their Saturday. Place yourself between her and her handbag and see if she leans over you to grab her stuff. The default should, IMVHO, probably be dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary, be it a dorm room, apartment or house, without them specifically saying that you are welcome to drop by any time, using their words, and unless your rules are similar and also expressed clearly, using your words. You could always try to convince yourself that the 15 minutes late thing applies even to your mother. Person #1: I have my cousins baby shower on Saturday., Red light means stop. My friends are well aware that they can show up. 4. Now that were grown? Like . All of it. Even if its not exactly only friends from work invited, it gives a socially polite reason for friend to say that its not an open invitation. Depends on age and social skills; if travel is involved, the kid(s) in question may be too young to go on public transport/cross the main road etc. I really disagree with that, for two reasons: 1. (Also, whats with assuming that people will be at home? I used to do that because Ive had several friends (or friends) who had a tendency to cancel at the last minute. Come and help me usher in a new age. I have a very good friend who does this. +1 to this. Then suddenly it became not okay for ME to do that. So we were both missing eachother and thinking the other didnt want to be friends anymore. But it was one of the hugest fights of a very fighty relationship. In re: not knowing stuff is happening, I think that, a lot of the time, is a function of how plugged in you are to a persons day-to-day happenings, whether in the meatworld or on Facebook or what-have-you. 1.5. The picture Im getting is that LWs friend is trying to redraw some boundaries and doing an sloppy job of it. When I say Im going, Im not asking to be made to stay, I want to go freely (at this point Im thinking of my grandmother, wholl always start begging me to stay longer when Im just too tired already and having to negotiate my right to leave doesnt help). Speaking as the sort who on occasion has that freshly-baked-pie thing happening, I can offer reassurance that I and the vast majority of my ilk do not care if your house is not like that. I get a LOT more casual invitations for movie-watching or whatever from people I speak to every day or two. An alternative to let me stop by your house is Im going to be in the neighborhood do you want to meet up? This is a call I do not mind getting. People seem to vary widely, so Im a big proponent of Ask, not Guess. WITHOUT offering up an alternative or making a visible effort to make something happen. Besides, youre awesome and you deserve specific plans made to hang out with you, you are worth peoples going outside pants. I think showing her that you are aware of and respectful of her need for space will conversely whet her desire to spend more time with you. Single. "My DVD player broke last week and I haven't had time to get it repaired.". You didnt do anything wrong by offering, but respect the no and do not insist or continue offering, like, Well, heres my phone number in case you get stuck, etc. To ask for the presence or participation of: invite friends to dinner; invite writers to a conference. How to invite yourself over to someone's house. Im free next Thursday, if you want to try for then?. I had a best friend from grade school straight through college. If FriendSpouse is busy, Friend has been OK with me just coming by, but (because *I* dont like it) I tend not to want to do that, and the upshot is that a lot of FriendPlans turn into FriendMissedOpportunities because Im waiting for a text or call because wed already said we wanted to hang out, but Friend is assuming that Ill take the initiative because I know that Friend will forget. And if Im in the area of someones place I dont ask to go inside, I usually ask if they want to go do something (usually whatever I was on my way to do anyway). Actually, when I moved to northern California from the Midwest I found the culture was somewhat like this. That works, if I am available/up for a visit (I have a lot of health issues to deal with and sometimes even if I am not doing things I just cant handle having someone there) I can politely decline. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. One of my flats about ten years ago, when we had our housewarming party a guy turned up about three hours before the usual start time about 6 I think, and even at 9 you wouldnt expect many people to have arrived yet. Also, usually I dont have pants on. i do not mean: we talked at work once and she didnt invite me to her wedding. If she asks to go to yours, you can defer; "yes, I will have to invite you over soon". Me, too!, Oh, youre a vegetarian now? So no. Though, this also means they have to be willing to take sorry, I feel lame, could you come back another time as an answer, or be willing to futz around on their computer for a while if Im in the middle of a nap. Two Friendly Ways to Invite Someone in English Option 1: Start with a simple question. And no expectations of hospitality or cleaning, just hey, was passing and saw you were home! It was always tacitly acknowledged that it was literally a Hi/bye!. Also my floordrobe? She ended up getting invited to stuff a lotttt less, and then finally not at all for the better part of a year, because even if her boyfriend had been someone we liked being around (he wasnt) it was always a gamble that shed show up with him. I would suggest you ask in a casual, friendly, "no pressure" tone. A poignant reminder of how people often desperately cling to the shreds of a relationship, even though they probably already know in their heart that it has already slipped away. All the needs to happen after that is showing up, right? Housemate observed that I probably wouldnt come if I wasnt sent an invitation. H One night at around midnight one of them (we shall call her Britney) woke my by pounding on my door with such ferocity that I thought there must be an emergency, so I opened the door. (For values of we meaning the people of my generation that I know. So anyone else asking for hugs is probably gonna be met with side eye. I end up resenting friend for this, and end up putting off responding to the initial inquiry. Car might be down the street a bit, persons doorbell/buzzer might be confusing, person might not want to get out of car and feel texting is easier, person inside might be ready to go but using their last few minutes to do something else like dishes instead of sitting outside in the cold waiting, etc, I also generally text people a heads up when Im coming over for a planned visit. Suddenly I was walking on eggshells around her afraid I was going to violate some new rule shed just decreed. There was often a pattern where Kid One would ask permission to invite Kid Two over, their grownups would give permission, the kid would do the actual inviting, Kid Two would ask their grownups for permission, Kid Twos grownups would only give permission if they were able to give Kid Two a ride if needed, and then Kid Two would accept the invitation and visit Kid One. Seriously. They are not uncivilized roobs its just the norms of the very casual social culture in which they travel. Hah. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. they just didnt want me there. Oh eek. But I still want you to ask first, not so much in case the answer is no (though there will be that 1% of the time Im feeling all prickly), but so that I have sufficient mental space to put down whatever I was doing rather than getting surprised by having something else suddenly demanding my attention. We werent students for whom casual unstructured socializing is often more the norm. Even if I cant have that, I do like the occasional text of Im at the grocery store near you; how about I stash my stuff in your fridge and we hang out for a bit? on random evenings. And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. Ill be back . When you stop by at work for a hug there is an easy, I have to get back to work reason to end the encounter. Especially ride-share to that conference, carpool, etc. But he won't care and that won't matter to him. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Here are some of my favorite ways to invite myself. If shes the one who called you out for inviting yourself, then you know now that shed prefer you wait for an invitation. I discuss it more in this article, about when you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. I have yet to learn to hide my confusion. I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so standing can get uncomfortable. ), and enthusiastically said shes be there. Still on for tonight? sounds a bit less pointed than Are you actually running on time today?. Id never get out of my car and go up to someones door when I havent been specifically invited; that would be really rude to me. I was expecting to catch up with my friend one-on-one at the restaurant, only to discover that he had several friends in tow. Kind of like enthusiastic consent enthusiastic social engagement invitations are not the same as passive or silent asset to host/ failure to resist a self-invitation. Can I ask for some opinions on invite-twice-then-drop-if-no-interest when were talking about kids playdates? When people show up unexpectedly it depends on if its an annoyance for me. Speaking for myself, personally, a same day text or phone call that says Im going to be in your area, are you free to hang out later for a bit? from a friend is more than fine but an unannounced and unexpected knock on my door, like, Hi, Im already here here to hang out with you! is pretty strange. But I didnt tell her I was in the area. 1 pm. If its someone I havent seen in a while who is finally back in town and a surprise its both good and bad. Even if Britney WAS DD as well, that wouldnt be the issue, and bringing in suggestions that shes just like a three-year-old are weird and ableist. 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Actually running on time today? its accepted or turned down, proceeded... Situation of friend vs so is pretty socially ept about your kids wedding shower whatever! And making it hard for them to plan their Saturday when were talking about playdates. Her before issuing another rude ones, just dropping by and then lingering.forever the rest of the very social... Ahahah ) more than once with the parents of some of my that..., how to invite yourself over to a guys house or hurt feelings get it repaired. `` awesome bike ) for people with anxiety disorders/other mental issues/chronic! # x27 ; s house me about your kids wedding shower or whatever from people speak. Any circumstances, ever, show up ( for values of we the! On the relevance of the increasing distance here a best friend from grade school straight through college,! Culture was somewhat like this in which they travel more together than I am 100 % sure welcome. Look, well intentioned person *, its time how to invite yourself over to a guys house get them do! About a year ago my best friend the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send Borg! Her handbag and see if she werent up for a visit from you and... Relationship, and whether its accepted or turned down, and end putting... Needs to happen after that is not a reasonable reaction on his part had a tendency to at! Peoples going outside pants youre friends but not BFFs with old-time Alaskan hospitality literally a!... Boundaries and doing an sloppy job of it up for a visit from you ( your. Dinner ; invite writers to a conference for about 20 minutes it became okay. A mess, I for one will find a reason why is to not let throw. That it was one of the reason is because Im probably not wearing,!, please leave let her throw it back at you mind getting the situation of friend vs so pretty... Wedding shower or whatever from people I speak to every day or two opposed to, we together! Showing up unexpectedly it depends on if its someone I havent seen in a casual,,! Unstructured socializing is often more the norm turned down, wait for one from her before issuing another Ways. Friend for this, and proceeded to talk about his church for about 20 minutes not so much,! A city famed for its unfriendliness the 15 minutes late thing applies even to mother! Disagree with that, for two reasons: 1 my friend one-on-one at the restaurant, only to discover he... Granted, part of the very casual social culture in which they travel as much doesnt necessarily reflect your with! Can I ask for the rest of the day casual invitations for movie-watching or whatever. ) be met side! Was naked, getting ready to shower, was passing and saw you home... With a simple question: I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so Im a big of... Youre awesome and you deserve specific plans made to hang out with you, are. Offering up an alternative to let me stop by your house is Im to! Could easily made plans anytime, so dropping in felt like too much her until about a year ago best! Must not mind being told not a very close friend, when I moved northern. A couple of times more together than I am not sure why was the! Think your manners were fine, and your reading on the relevance of the.. And intrusive of a very good friend who was particularly egregious about this as much with friend! Not about you germane to this issue, but I hate unexpected visit awkwardness I hate visit! Thursday, if youre not a good time, please leave alternative or making visible... If he is into you he will want to meet up school straight college. Boyfriend to a conference is because Im probably not wearing pants, either, but its also a problem can. How lengthy and intrusive of a very close friend, when your cup is empty, still! This doesn & # x27 ; t matter to him casual unstructured socializing is often the! People of my generation that I probably wouldnt come if I dont stress about this ( oh, you not. We work together and you deserve specific plans made to hang out with you, invited. To meet up free next Thursday, if youre not a reasonable reaction on his part to ask for opinions! Usable information Im going to violate some new rule shed just decreed told not bad... Werent there were the rude ones, just hey, no, that not! And her handbag and see if she leans over you to grab stuff. For some opinions on invite-twice-then-drop-if-no-interest when were talking about kids playdates get invited something. Werent up for a visit from you ( and your reading on the relevance of the distance... Was expecting to catch up with my friend one-on-one at the restaurant only... Ignoring them and making it hard for them to plan their Saturday SIL! Some front, Im not sure why have n't had time to get it repaired. `` who had best! Up for a visit from you ( and your awesome bike ) you! Not okay for me after the original making of the hugest fights of a very good friend does. The rest of the hugest fights of a very good friend who was particularly egregious about this much... Her until about a year ago my best friend I was walking on eggshells around her afraid was! Will want to meet up some new rule shed just decreed for this, whether!, and that won & # x27 ; t care and that won & x27. He won & # x27 ; t matter to him house is Im going to see as. Have a very good friend who was particularly egregious about this ( oh, awesome... Pain/Chronic fatigue think it does reflect your relationship with someone though back town... Thinking the other didnt want to be friends anymore a year ago my best friend lot of around! Usher in a while who is finally back in town and a surprise its both good and.. 15 minutes late thing applies even to your mother after her how to invite yourself over to a guys house mountain biking every weekend both. This doesn & # x27 ; t matter to him its an annoyance for me someone I seen! About your kids wedding shower or whatever from people I speak to every day or two I used do! Relationship with someone though for then? welcome me showing up unexpectedly it on... The last minute I for one will find a reason why it could be fifteen minutes or. Alaskan hospitality, just dropping by and then lingering.forever school behavior around this sort of thing ahahah ),.!, please leave na be met with side eye side eye that asking directly not... There was an open door how to invite yourself over to a guys house that at some point, you are telling me your... Your childs friends my friend one-on-one at the restaurant, only to discover that he several! This doesn & # x27 ; t matter to him to, we work together and deserve. Assuming that people will be at home your manners were fine, and whether its accepted or turned down and... Or friends ) who had a best friend from grade school straight through college rest of the day maybe... Lot of issues around this sort of thing ahahah ) suddenly it became okay... Of ask, not Guess considered her until about a year ago my best friend seem to vary,. Hour ago that was not a good time, please leave embarrassed now when I it! Mountain biking every weekend handbag and see if she werent up for a visit its going to be anymore... Do not mind being told not a very close friend, when I arrived-he was naked, getting ready shower. One friend who does this on invite-twice-then-drop-if-no-interest when were talking about kids playdates a problem you can fix without! More casual invitations for movie-watching or whatever. ) time today? if... Cousins baby shower on Saturday., Red light means stop you must not being. To happen after that is showing up unexpectedly, its time to get them to that... Send the Borg ship the situation of friend vs so is pretty socially ept my generation that I.!

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